– it requires love, patience and nourishment to grow
I require others and as they require me
It is relentless at this pursuit
As free will affects the outcome of purpose
continual learning and adjustments are made
As I am wading through my historical writings, I came across this letter I wrote to a friend of mine who is also an intuitive communicator who has some very extraordinary gifts. She has given me many insights into not only my personal past and life path, but also of those earthly and spiritual guides that are with me every day. The names in this letter have been changed to protect their privacy. BTW, I never sent this letter… 😉
This letter has been swimming around in my mind for quite some time now. I realized that my initial idea of you was not correct. After reading Michael’s book that told of your extraordinary gifts, my imagination had this idea or hope that you had some kind of super power; that you could reach inside me and pull out all the fear, doubt and anxiety. My mind had this hope that I could somehow make you understand what was happening inside me and you would be able to make it all right again (or at least make it right for once).
I now know that I have misled myself in this fantasy of what I perceived to be you. Over time, more recently than in the beginning, I have realized that you are an interpreter of what others can’t see for themselves. I know now that I am the only one that can make me whole and happy. As much as I was hoping that you had some kind of “magic” that would fix me, that just isn’t going to happen.
I have reached out to you many times and given you my sad stories and poor me I’m helpless anecdotes, only to have you turn around and give me a healthy dose of reality and perspective. These had at times made me very angry at you and thoughts of betrayal of our friendship. I know now that this is exactly what I needed and how fortunate I am to have such a strong force in my life. Please don’t misinterpret this letter to mean anything but a realization of myself. I have been honored and blessed to have you in my life.
I have tried many things as a remedy for my issues. I have spoken to a therapist, taken anti-anxiety medication, worked with you and other coaches, but nothing has lasted. I know part of my issues are related to my internal chemistry which the anti-anxiety meds do help, but these are only a mask or a dampening field of sorts. The mastery of my long term happiness lies within me and my own mind. I need to journey to that world that is within me and conquer these demons, these doubts and fears.
I feel as if I have made huge leaps to resolve my issues only to be dashed on the rocks by my mind. The doubts rise up like a huge water beast lashing and laughing at me from the depths of my mind. I flow through life in a torrent of fear and anger and nothing abates this within me. The eddies and currents pull and push me at their will. The feeling is utterly hopeless and no control is there. I reach out for a strong hold only to have the temporary grasp slip away with me screaming into the darkness. Why does this elude me, how can I grab hold and pull myself up onto dry land with a footing that is true and steadfast? I long for peace and quiet within.
My mind wanders to death and my perception of how this will free me from this torturous life I have. I think at times that this is the easy way out and how much of a coward I would be to go this route. I long for this peace and wish and hope for it every day. I know that I have been kept alive for a reason, and I just can’t believe that it’s to endure this kind of existence. What good is it to experience this for my soul’s journey? Why do I need to lead this life of pain and anxiety? Why can’t I live each day with peace and joy in my heart and mind?
Some say that I need to give my heart and mind over to Jesus and he will take on my burdens. This seems nice, and I’ve tried this too, but nothing takes away this internal nightmare that is mine.
I have even tried drugs in my youth as a remedy for this mess, but found no enduring solace with them. My compass guides me away from these jesters, these rose colored glasses. I don’t know why I can’t hide behind them like others do every day. Why can’t I spend my hours and days drinking or shooting some kind of chemical into my system to find that peace?
The funny thing is about this life of mine, is that despite my struggles and pain, I have surrounded myself with family and friends that care; as well as a safe home and moderate income. By all accounts from the outside, I have been successful in life. I know, deep inside that by removing this roadblock of anxiety, I could be so much more powerful in my life and be such a huge help to others beyond measure. I feel as if the force inside me has been restrained by these huge wood and metal doors. This force has been slamming its body against these doors for millennia on end; trying to be free, trying to evolve my soul and become the power that this universe needs.
I want to transform. I want to turn out of my cocoon and spread my strong powerful delicate wings to soar. I will never be able to be at peace unless I transform. I need to peel away my old shell, my old skin and become anew.
Transformation: To never more be what I am. To start anew with new possibilities
What is me?
- Sexual desire
- Low or no self esteem
- No gravity
- No stronghold
- No direction
- People reaching – calling – helping
- I’m not good enough
- What I do is not good enough
- No peace
- Great love
I’ve been told by several intuitive and psychic individuals that I need to write. About what, they don’t actually tell me this part clearly (go figure), but here I go.
My ego tells me that I need to be organized and tell a “story” and be in some kind of chronological order, but honestly, I don’t have a specific story to tell. I don’t have fond memories of my childhood that I can expand on in great detail to give you a well thought out and historical perspective of me. It’s not that I don’t want to write something like this, I just don’t have the clear memories to pull something like this off. Perhaps as some point when I’ve written enough, the parts will all reveal themselves and a “story” will appear.
So for now, I just write. Some of it will be current and some will be from previous stuff I’ve written. Some of it is profound, some is just ramblings of a confused individual (I’ll be sure to tell you which is which ;).
Now on to something completely different (well for me anyway).