A Slow Moving Storm of Change Looms on My Life’s Horizon ~ Dwight Raatz
The following text was written on February 2nd, 2008. While my ideas and beliefs have evolved in the past two years, this will give you a glimpse of my thought process at the time around life, religion and how those things affected me on an emotional level. I have come to understand that the “awareness” that I write about is my intuitive nature, my sense of “knowing” without having to experience with my normal senses.
The title of this piece is really about the feeling of foreboding or anxiety about the possible outcomes and fear that was out there, barely visible, but looming and in a way I knew somehow to be inevitable.
It might seem obvious to some what thoughts and concerns most men have of life. I don’t feel that mine are earth shaking and I don’t feel that they are unique or revolutionary. I do feel however that I seem to be aware of more than what is set in front of me. I feel that my awareness has not only been my guide in life, it has also been my curse. Seeing and feeling things that I don’t understand and have no point of reference has made my life’s journey painful, confusing, and depressing. With the exception of this last year, I have felt very little joy or happiness. Much of this distress has been due to the internal torment of my mind and the feeling of loneliness and of being lost.
While I have always had a connection with God in my life, I feel that as I get older, my understanding of God becomes clearer. What I struggle with is reconciling my internal innate understanding of God with what has been taught to me my whole life. There are parts of my teachings that have fallen in line with what I know to be true, but these parts are few and far between. I think my first inclination that I was a part of a larger spiritual picture is when I was about 9 years old. I remember laying out on the front step of my parent’s farm house looking up at the sunny sky that had a few high clouds. I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular, just being in the moment, feeling the heat of the sun and the warm air around me and feeling a general sort of peacefulness. I remember looking at a cloud, and then suddenly a face appeared there. It wasn’t a cloud that looked like a face; it was a man’s face. I saw it as clearly as if I was looking at a picture in my hand. The face was smiling and looking at me directly. As you can imagine I was startled and blinked my eyes. As fast as it appeared there, it was gone. It’s as if once my mind was “engaged” in reality, I lost my right to see this face or know it more. Somehow I knew that this was God or Jesus or some angle peaking at me, giving me a glimpse. I really don’t know what to make of it exactly, but it has always stayed with me.
I have many thoughts, questions, and feelings about religion in general and its relative nature to God and my faith in him. This has left me wanting. I want to find one or more people to talk to about these feelings. I want someone to be strong enough in their own beliefs, but willing to have an open mind to discuss these things with me without trying to discount what I am saying, dismiss the topic, or preach to me what the bible states as if that is the black and white decision maker. I would prefer to have someone that has a good solid knowledge of bible’s contents, but it isn’t an absolute necessity. Having someone with this knowledge would at least be able to give me a perspective of the teachings as they relate to my questions.
If you feel that you willing to embark on a journey of discovery and consideration of alternate truths, then continue reading. I don’t want to be “saved” by someone. I want to have an ongoing open truthful relationship with a willing soul to not only be a guide, but to also be willing to be guided.
<continued in Part II>
Just so you know, I did try engaging with this type of conversation with some people I considered to be highly faithful and educated in their Christian religion, but ultimately it became obvious that the topic was just too uncomfortable for them to give me good constructive feedback or perspectives.
Part II sets out some definitions, questions and opinions related to the above. These will be things you can ponder and possibly respond to and give your own perspective.