Becoming Completely Unraveled

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Building the Butterfly ~
I am not who I once was
I am primordial ooze forming
I am all potential with intention
I am growing and defining
I am beauty beyond belief
I am building the butterfly
I emerge
                                  – Dwight Raatz

I pulled the string that was wound around my life and began the unraveling of a lifetime of myths, fears, expectations and perceptions.  At times, I watch the spinning and wanted to reach out and pluck peaces out to hold them fast as to not change them, but that isn’t possible.  I’m finding that in order for me to create myself anew, I must completely unravel down to Nothing.  And this process has not been simple or in any way easy.

In the beginning, it was religion that was a main focus for me to reveal my own thoughts and truths about what I felt about what was going on in church and what it all meant to me.  But I have come to an understanding about my spiritual path and view of religion, so this no longer concerns me.  What I aspire to now is the intricacies of my relationships with others and with full acceptance of myself.

As I become closer and closer to the core of my true self, I find that I am less and less concerned about all of worries I’ve held and created in my life that have never served me.  My mind is less bogged down with churning in and through all of the “situations” in life and it is free to be creative, to write, to experience people and places with a new and healthy perspective.  I’m slowing down the pace and seeing what’s truly there and truly important to spend my time responding to.

If you find that life is just not going the way you’ve planned or thought it should be, then let it unravel and see what is really being presented to you that you’ve probably been missing.  Look upon life as a new gift and an adventure each day and you may be surprised at the peace and love you will find.

Dwight Raatz

Meaning from the Meaningless

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Where does the need to find meaning for my life come from?  Is this an innate force that comes from within, or is this a learned behavior that is so engrained I don’t even know the original source?  I think about all of the situations I’ve been in, the people I’ve met and how perfect the timing has been.  How is it possible that there is no purpose behind these events?  It seems impossible to me that everything that has happened and all that exists is a continuous result of pure random chance.  I’m not saying that I believe there is some all-knowing power out there that has a detailed plan for my life and I am simply acting out a predestine part.  What I’m coming to see is that there are natural states of being that attract or repel the like or unlike.  Could it be that there is no true intelligence out there that has an agenda for each aspect of my life, but rather that there is an ebb and flow of life energy?

I’ve spent the better part of my life seeking meaning in all things.  This fact has really been the core of virtually all my struggles with depression, the resulting anxieties and pent up anger that, at times, consumed me.  I would analyze and pick apart what a person said to me, or didn’t say; how a person would look at me, or not look at me, why I wasn’t happy at my job, what I was lacking as a husband and father, etc.  Each time I looked earnestly for the answers to my “why” questions, I come to a dead end or I find myself going in circles around “situations” that have no answer or meaning.  I see this search now as futile and my role as a Seeker of meaning to be pointless.  Seeking answers for things outside of me, for justification of what has happened, is happening, or is going to happen is really not only a waste of time, but also a huge drain on energy.

I can clearly see now why religion was and is such a perfect “solution” to the dilemma of wanting meaning to life. While it doesn’t necessarily answer all of the questions, I think it gives the person enough to satisfy and abate the bigger aspects of one’s questions. However, I see the destructive nature of religion being that it instills a deep unworthiness inside us.  If you were to ask someone with deep religious convictions about this unworthiness, they would deny that meaning and say that they are accepted by their God because they believe in some constructed rule-set that allows them to be accepted or saved.  When you look at the rules laid out by Christianity, you will see that each one is based in judgment, worthiness, and conditions in order to be saved.  I’ve always been confused at putting human emotions on God.  How He will be angry or upset or jealous if we do not follow a set of rules.  This picture of the Christian God has always reminded me of the stories of Zeus and other gods of Olympus.   I see Him looking down from above upon his subjects and seeing only their disrespect and misbehaviors and him getting mad, stomping around in “heaven” yelling and cursing at his disappointment in how he is being treated.  And if his “rules” are not followed, he brings upon the earth all sorts of disaster, pestilence and bad luck to all those who need to be taught a lesson.  And these “lessons” are what we conjure up to give meaning behind things.

Recently I was sharing with a friend my personal perspective on my beliefs.  One of them is that I believe that no matter what path I take in my life (good or bad) I will still end up going into the great energetic “collective” of the Universe (a.k.a Heaven).  I also shared with him that I don’t believe in Hell as it’s described in the bible.  I told him that I believe Hell is here on Earth – in that how we treat ourselves, how we treat others, how we deny ourselves or separate ourselves from our true Divine nature.  While I consider my friend to be a pretty calm, level-headed individual and very intelligent, he became visually and emotionally agitated in what I was saying.  His response was that he believes “Satan” has me wrapped around his finger and exactly where he wants me.  For me to believe that all is well and there are no concerns for my soul being saved seemed irresponsible to him and he said he would and is praying for me.  While I knew he was completely serious about this accusation, I couldn’t help finding it a bit humorous and very interesting.  It seems that his version (Lutheran Christian’s view) of God is very judgmental and God’s love and acceptance is conditional.  This makes no sense at all.

So when we seek meaning in our lives through religion, what we are taught is that we as humans are not completely worthy of love unless we follow a set of rules.  We are taught this from a very young age and so begins the illusion of unworthiness that inundates and infects us as we grow.  This idea of conditional love is rampant in everything from the stories we are told, books we are read, in school, and in social circles.  Unless we prescribe to acceptable rules, love and acceptance is withheld and given to only good girls and boys.  We continue this idea of unworthiness into our school years, college and then on into our work world.  We constantly are comparing ourselves to others, to people on TV shows, to advertising, etc.  We look for meaning in what we are doing and whether it is acceptable to others, whether we measure up and if we will be included and accepted.  Is this really what life is about?  I don’t believe this at all.

I don’t believe that God or any “higher source” has a master plan for my life, I believe I choose.  If you were to consider there to be any “plan” at all, it would be to give love, to experience love and to explore our own vast abilities in each day of our existence.   I see religion’s version of life to be about conditions, judgment, pain and suffering.  My view on life is to combine love with others, to grow and exponentially create and expand to become greater than the sum of the parts.  It is to enjoy our own selves and others for who we are and to support those who need help to recognize their true selves and abilities.  To find the meaning in my life is irrelevant in order to find love and enjoyment of myself and everyone else in my life.  It has been said that what life is, is just simply what it is and nothing more.  We choose how we will be and interact with all that is around us.  I say, choose wisely and with Love in your heart.

Dwight Raatz

When Protection Becomes a Block

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As I’ve progressed through my life’s journey, I have unknowingly created a protective energetic coating around me.  This coating or cocoon has worked as a way to protect me from various aspects as I’ve grown and found my way down my path.  Up to this point, it’s done this job with varying degrees of success depending the challenge I’m faced with.  Sometimes the challenge has caused this coating to become even thicker or stronger to help “protect” me in the future.  While this protection serves a purpose during the initial stages of my life, I’m finding that it’s now become a block to my growth.

Recently I was with a group of friends who meet occasionally to do meditative journeys by using drumming or other kinds of percussion.  As we assembled for our session, there was talk about what we wanted to do as part our evening event.  Various ideas came up as we went around the room and the interesting thing that seems to happen is that through this conversation, the true “need” for the evening emerges from the ether.  Even after some really solid thoughtful ideas were offered, the “need” will just show itself and become exactly what should be done.  This happened during our last session.

I’m honored to say that I was chosen as what needed to be focused on.  This happened after what seemed initially as an off-hand comment from one friend that she sees a bubble or coating surrounding me, and that she’s wanted to “pop” this for some time.  Within minutes I was standing in the center of the room with my friends in a circle around me.  They set the circle with their intention to transform me, to draw me out of that cocoon that has housed me for years, but no longer serves me.  My friends could see that my need for this protection was no longer needed, even though I didn’t see it myself.

The session was intense to say the least.  There was drumming, rattles, un-recognizable spoken words, yelling, invoking and calling to that person inside the cocoon that was sleeping.  I closed my eyes and felt as if I was sucked down to the ground, anchored in place and secure.  I was not afraid as I knew my chosen family was around me, caring for me.  As the drumming became louder and louder, I could feel its vibrations ripple through me.  I could feel the slippery sticky coating ripple and loose its cohesiveness.  It would atomize and then reform instantly, trying desperately to stay together.  I could feel waves of energy pulsing through me from my head out through my feet into the earth.  My heart raced and my whole body vibrated.  Slowly with each movement, drum beat and command, the cocoon parted and fell away.  I could feel a cool breeze and fresh air rush into my lungs.  I felt lighter as if I could bounce all the way to moon in a single bound.

When it was finally over, I was surrounded in a group hug of support.  I was shaking and felt weak and as my eyes opened for the first time, I realized I was looking through new eyes at a place and people I didn’t really know.  I saw each of them in the beauty they held inside with their true selves.  They were shiny and glowing and beautiful.

As each person approached and introduced themselves I felt honored and peaceful to be there with these great Beings of light.  One person asked if I “feel better” and I found it confusing as I didn’t feel as if I had anything prior to compare it to.  My answer was, “Compared to what?  I have nothing outside of this moment to know.”

In my time since this session, I have found that my eyes are still adjusting to this new view on the world.  I see even more, my connection with others and how important that to be effective at changing the world, it must begin within me.  This is not a selfish thing at all, but rather a necessity.  I understand that transformation comes in a variety of forms.  Sometimes those moments are small and almost imperceptible; other times they are huge and earth shattering.  The important thing is to be mindful of each change, honor it and keep your awareness on your next actions.

“The only constant is change.” – Heraclitus of Ephesus a Greek philosopher (c.535 BC – 475 BC)

Dwight Raatz