A Slow Moving Storm – Part I

A Slow Moving Storm of Change Looms on My Life’s Horizon ~ Dwight Raatz

The following text was written on February 2nd, 2008.  While my ideas and beliefs have evolved in the past two years, this will give you a glimpse of my thought process at the time around life, religion and how those things affected me on an emotional level. I have come to understand that the “awareness” that I write about is my intuitive nature, my sense of “knowing” without having to experience with my normal senses.

The title of this piece is really about the feeling of foreboding or anxiety about the possible outcomes and fear that was out there, barely visible, but looming and in a way I knew somehow to be inevitable.

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It might seem obvious to some what thoughts and concerns most men have of life.  I don’t feel that mine are earth shaking and I don’t feel that they are unique or revolutionary.  I do feel however that I seem to be aware of more than what is set in front of me.  I feel that my awareness has not only been my guide in life, it has also been my curse.  Seeing and feeling things that I don’t understand and have no point of reference has made my life’s journey painful, confusing, and depressing.  With the exception of this last year, I have felt very little joy or happiness.  Much of this distress has been due to the internal torment of my mind and the feeling of loneliness and of being lost.

While I have always had a connection with God in my life, I feel that as I get older, my understanding of God becomes clearer.  What I struggle with is reconciling my internal innate understanding of God with what has been taught to me my whole life.  There are parts of my teachings that have fallen in line with what I know to be true, but these parts are few and far between.  I think my first inclination that I was a part of a larger spiritual picture is when I was about 9 years old.  I remember laying out on the front step of my parent’s farm house looking up at the sunny sky that had a few high clouds.  I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular, just being in the moment, feeling the heat of the sun and the warm air around me and feeling a general sort of peacefulness.  I remember looking at a cloud, and then suddenly a face appeared there.  It wasn’t a cloud that looked like a face; it was a man’s face.  I saw it as clearly as if I was looking at a picture in my hand.  The face was smiling and looking at me directly.  As you can imagine I was startled and blinked my eyes.  As fast as it appeared there, it was gone.  It’s as if once my mind was “engaged” in reality, I lost my right to see this face or know it more.  Somehow I knew that this was God or Jesus or some angle peaking at me, giving me a glimpse.  I really don’t know what to make of it exactly, but it has always stayed with me.

I have many thoughts, questions, and feelings about religion in general and its relative nature to God and my faith in him.  This has left me wanting.  I want to find one or more people to talk to about these feelings.  I want someone to be strong enough in their own beliefs, but willing to have an open mind to discuss these things with me without trying to discount what I am saying, dismiss the topic, or preach to me what the bible states as if that is the black and white decision maker.  I would prefer to have someone that has a good solid knowledge of bible’s contents, but it isn’t an absolute necessity.  Having someone with this knowledge would at least be able to give me a perspective of the teachings as they relate to my questions.

If you feel that you willing to embark on a journey of discovery and consideration of alternate truths, then continue reading.  I don’t want to be “saved” by someone.  I want to have an ongoing open truthful relationship with a willing soul to not only be a guide, but to also be willing to be guided.

<continued in Part II>
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Just so you know, I did try engaging with this type of conversation with some people I considered to be highly faithful and educated in their Christian religion, but ultimately it became obvious that the topic was just too uncomfortable for them to give me good constructive feedback or perspectives.

Part II sets out some definitions, questions and opinions related to the above.  These will be things you can ponder and possibly respond to and give your own perspective.

Dwight Raatz

Iterative Progressive Incarnation

 Looking for feedback on the concept, “Iterative Progressive Incarnation” (I may have just coined this). In other words, as we go through each iterative incarnation to return to earth for our next round of lessons, would you agree or disagree that this process is progressive? Does each round build on the last so that we don’t need to re-experience or re-learn what we have already done or finished learning (been there done that)?

Farming Life

My journey continues
The path is not trodden and the ones who follow are trusting but afraid
I plant the seeds of a new consciousness –
– it requires love, patience and nourishment to grow
I can see that I am not alone with my purpose
I require others and as they require me
The energy of the universe seeks full knowing
It is relentless at this pursuit

As free will affects the outcome of purpose
continual learning and adjustments are made
~ Dwight Raatz, 11/21/2008 
Above is something I wrote almost two years ago.  It is at the beginning of a log document I used to track my progress with an intuitive guide I worked with.  Most of my writing that has been anything worth reading has been a stream of consciousness.  An idea forms, words flow and are thoughtless.  Not sure this could be considered a poem as I don’t remember the “rules” from my high school English classes. ~ Dwight Raatz

A Letter to Charlotte

As I am wading through my historical writings, I came across this letter I wrote to a friend of mine who is also an intuitive communicator who has some very extraordinary gifts.  She has given me many insights into not only my personal past and life path, but also of those earthly and spiritual guides that are with me every day.  The names in this letter have been changed to protect their privacy. BTW, I never sent this letter… 😉

08/09/2009

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Charlotte,

This letter has been swimming around in my mind for quite some time now. I realized that my initial idea of you was not correct.  After reading Michael’s book that told of your extraordinary gifts, my imagination had this idea or hope that you had some kind of super power; that you could reach inside me and pull out all the fear, doubt and anxiety.  My mind had this hope that I could somehow make you understand what was happening inside me and you would be able to make it all right again (or at least make it right for once).

I now know that I have misled myself in this fantasy of what I perceived to be you.  Over time, more recently than in the beginning, I have realized that you are an interpreter of what others can’t see for themselves.  I know now that I am the only one that can make me whole and happy.  As much as I was hoping that you had some kind of “magic” that would fix me, that just isn’t going to happen.

I have reached out to you many times and given you my sad stories and poor me I’m helpless anecdotes, only to have you turn around and give me a healthy dose of reality and perspective.  These had at times made me very angry at you and thoughts of betrayal of our friendship.  I know now that this is exactly what I needed and how fortunate I am to have such a strong force in my life.  Please don’t misinterpret this letter to mean anything but a realization of myself.  I have been honored and blessed to have you in my life.

I have tried many things as a remedy for my issues.   I have spoken to a therapist, taken anti-anxiety medication, worked with you and other coaches, but nothing has lasted.  I know part of my issues are related to my internal chemistry which the anti-anxiety meds do help, but these are only a mask or a dampening field of sorts.  The mastery of my long term happiness lies within me and my own mind.  I need to journey to that world that is within me and conquer these demons, these doubts and fears.

I feel as if I have made huge leaps to resolve my issues only to be dashed on the rocks by my mind.  The doubts rise up like a huge water beast lashing and laughing at me from the depths of my mind.  I flow through life in a torrent of fear and anger and nothing abates this within me.  The eddies and currents pull and push me at their will.  The feeling is utterly hopeless and no control is there.  I reach out for a strong hold only to have the temporary grasp slip away with me screaming into the darkness.  Why does this elude me, how can I grab hold and pull myself up onto dry land with a footing that is true and steadfast?  I long for peace and quiet within.

My mind wanders to death and my perception of how this will free me from this torturous life I have.  I think at times that this is the easy way out and how much of a coward I would be to go this route.  I long for this peace and wish and hope for it every day.  I know that I have been kept alive for a reason, and I just can’t believe that it’s to endure this kind of existence.  What good is it to experience this for my soul’s journey?  Why do I need to lead this life of pain and anxiety?  Why can’t I live each day with peace and joy in my heart and mind?

Some say that I need to give my heart and mind over to Jesus and he will take on my burdens.  This seems nice, and I’ve tried this too, but nothing takes away this internal nightmare that is mine.

I have even tried drugs in my youth as a remedy for this mess, but found no enduring solace with them.  My compass guides me away from these jesters, these rose colored glasses.  I don’t know why I can’t hide behind them like others do every day.  Why can’t I spend my hours and days drinking or shooting some kind of chemical into my system to find that peace?

The funny thing is about this life of mine, is that despite my struggles and pain, I have surrounded myself with family and friends that care; as well as a safe home and moderate income.  By all accounts from the outside, I have been successful in life.  I know, deep inside that by removing this roadblock of anxiety, I could be so much more powerful in my life and be such a huge help to others beyond measure.  I feel as if the force inside me has been restrained by these huge wood and metal doors.  This force has been slamming its body against these doors for millennia on end; trying to be free, trying to evolve my soul and become the power that this universe needs.

I want to transform.  I want to turn out of my cocoon and spread my strong powerful delicate wings to soar.  I will never be able to be at peace unless I transform.  I need to peel away my old shell, my old skin and become anew.

Transformation:  To never more be what I am.  To start anew with new possibilities

What is me?

  • Doubt
  • Fear
  • Sexual desire
  • Anxiety
  • Low or no self esteem
  • No gravity
  • No stronghold
  • No direction
  • People reaching – calling – helping
  • I’m not good enough
  • What I do is not good enough
  • No peace
  • Great love

Dwight Raatz

Hello Universe!

I’ve been told by several intuitive and psychic individuals that I need to write.  About what, they don’t actually tell me this part clearly (go figure), but here I go.

My ego tells me that I need to be organized and tell a “story” and be in some kind of chronological order, but honestly, I don’t have a specific story to tell.  I don’t have fond memories of my childhood that I can expand on in great detail to give you a well thought out and historical perspective of me.  It’s not that I don’t want to write something like this, I just don’t have the clear memories to pull something like this off.  Perhaps as some point when I’ve written enough, the parts will all reveal themselves and a “story” will appear.

So for now, I just write.  Some of it will be current and some will be from previous stuff I’ve written.  Some of it is profound, some is just ramblings of a confused individual (I’ll be sure to tell you which is which ;).

Now on to something completely different (well for me anyway).

Dwight Raatz