I Am Not Important

The More

I was born in 1965 in a small town in southeastern North Dakota.  My family and I lived on a small farm where my father was a second generation farmer on the land my grandfather had homesteaded in the early 1900’s.  My father had taken over the family farm about the time I was born.  He diversified his efforts at making a living by milking cows, raising beef cattle, pigs and chickens.  We also farmed several sections of land where we raised a variety of grain crops.  For me, my childhood experiences were by many standards, unremarkable.  I am the youngest of 5 children. I can never remember feeling like we were poor or rich.  I always felt safe, cared for, and I really can’t think of a time that I needed anything.  I will admit that being the youngest child, with my next oldest sibling being about 5 years older than me, I did tend to get more things from my parents than my siblings.  I don’t really know if it was because my parents had more disposable income as I grew up, or if they somehow felt differently about buying things at that time.  I don’t remember being a needy or a complaining child in any way either.  Life just seemed to go on and on and I was mainly an observer of it.  I can’t really recall interacting with my siblings or my parents in any great depth, other than working on the farm or at the evening meals.  With the age difference from my four siblings (each of them being about a year apart in age), I tended to spend most of my time alone from what I remember.  I was often wrapped up in listening to music, reading the encyclopedia, or later on, playing with any sort of electronics I could get my hands on.  Other than the occasional teasing from my one brother, I didn’t experience any real trauma as a child.  Or at least that’s what I thought anyway.

 

In one way or another, I believe that we all are searching for some sort of peace for our lives.  From my observations, some of us have similar struggles, but at times, very different perspectives on our struggles or even how to resolve them.  When I think about the various ways people experience trauma, it really has a broad spectrum.  Depending on how you look at life or your belief systems, trauma can even begin pre-conception.  Most certainly it can be agreed that trauma can begin in the womb with exposure to various drugs, physical abuse, or even environmental factors. I believe that even the feelings and emotions of the mom and dad toward being pregnant can cause trauma to the child before they are born.  Then moving forward, you have the actual birth itself being the first standard trauma that everyone has (no matter how well the pregnancy and birth went).  If you can imagine spending 9 months being completely carefree and supported in every way, then suddenly forced into the world to deal with gravity, breathing, hunger, bowl movements, you name it.  Heck, that’s pretty traumatic right?

 

No matter what your traumatic experiences have been, they play a part in how your life is shaped, the person you become, and how you view the world.  Some of us have very good support systems and/or families that are highly aware and conscious of their bodies and emotions.  This can help you to grow up more balanced and you naturally have various ways to release the tensions of trauma through physical activity, deep conversations, and overall support from those you love.  This however is not so common from observations of my little corner of the world. So what do the rest of us need to do when we experience trauma?  Well, some will stuff the feelings, some will act out in various ways including anger, depression, anxiety, self mutilation, danger seeking, drugs, over-working and various other destructive methods.  Then there are others who have tried more “positive” avenues like therapy, psychics, energy healing, meditation, religion, athletics, etc.  It seems to me that most, but not all, methods tend to start with the mind when trying to find peace.  The mind is indeed an important place to focus the healing practice, but only when you approach that healing from a positive perspective, that is focused on releasing tension in both the mind and body.

 

It’s very interesting to think about all of the classes I’ve taken and methods of “connection” or rituals I was shown.  While many of them are important and relevant, I could never really understand why they had to be so complicated (e.g. having to speak a mantra in a particular way, moving your body in a particular manner, vocalizing in a particular tone, etc).  I believe that there is purpose to these methods and they can even be valid depending on where you are at in your journey.  I kept going back to my childhood, sitting in church and thinking, why does this all have to seem so complicated and wrought with possible ways to fail?  I just could not believe that an “all-knowing” being that created us from dust, would even have a need for us to do anything complicated let alone be worshipped.

 

Like many, I’ve done a lot of the abovenegative andpositive methods for finding peace for my mind.  As I look back at many of these methods, the focus seemed to be outside of my body and mind, as if the solution was “out there” somewhere.  I can remember going to several psychics searching for one of them that could just reach inside my mind and flip the proverbial switch to allow peace in and the rest to go.  I even got to the point where I saw so many different psychics, I would consider myself a junkie.  As I spent a lot of time and money, I realized I was getting more and more angry that “they” weren’t fixing me. I realized that I was looking for the solution outside of myself.  After about 10 years of trying many avenues, I finally began to see that the solutions have always been inside of me.  I know this is not news really, as I’ve heard that kind of thing for years, but I never really believed it.  This was until I was introduced to a method of healing that is based on a very basic human function, breathing.

 

When I was introduced to Rebirthing Breathwork, I initially thought it was just another fad that sounded interesting.  However, on the very first session, I experienced an unexpected shift and release out of a seeming nowhere. At this point I knew I was hooked and I needed to know more, so I signed up for a year long training course to become a certified breathwork practitioner.  It’s been about three years since first learning the technique and I’ve been through many sessions myself and I’ve coach many people in their own sessions.  As time went on and life happened, I got distracted and stopped for several months from doing any sort of healing practices on myself and others.  Then I got an invitation from my teacher to attend a workshop called “Loving Relationships” with Sondra and Markus Ray.   This workshop was focused on improving all of our relationships, but more specifically our intimate personal ones.

 

One of the first exercises we went through at the workshop was to do sentence completion related to the negative thoughts that run through my mind.  The idea was to determine our personal primary negative belief that we have underlying our thoughts.  I started out with, “I’m not enough”, then, “I overthink and worry”, then, “I am a fake”, then, “I’m not important to anyone”, then, “I’m not important enough to be loved.”.  As I looked at what I had written it struck me that my primary negative belief is, “I am not important”.  This really resonated with me as I could see it was at the very heart of many symptoms I’ve experienced over the years.

 

When I was very young, probably under the age of 20, I don’t know if I ever thought much about feeling important to anyone or not.  When I look back and try to remember how things were during that time, I recall being connected to a very small group of friends more so than being connected to my family.  My friends seemed to fulfill that part of my life that wanted to be acknowledged and valued.  They would seek me out to do things.  They went out of their way to listen to me, try to understand and to relate to me their own stories.  It wasn’t until I went to college and afterwards when got my first career job that I started to notice how very disconnected I felt from my family.  When they would ask me how my life was going, I would tell them about my job or what I’m learning and I felt that they would just stop listening.  Sometimes they would say something like, “I just don’t understand [insert whatever topic I was presenting].”  I found that the harder I tried to explain my life, my career, my spiritual growth, or my thoughts, they would become more and more disconnected.  Finally it got to the point that I just stopped trying.  I just gave them what they wanted to hear, which usually meant saying something like, “Oh yes, I’m very busy at my job.  Lot’s of projects to work on.”, and that was it.  This was very common in all my interactions.  I became very skilled at giving a short answer and then turning the conversation around to focus on them.

 

Things seemed to progress over the years where I would start to attribute people not acknowledging me in one way or another, as me not being important.  This belief infiltrated my relationships with my wife and kids, my employer, my social friends, you name it.  I got to the point that I felt numb to even wanting to feel connected to anyone, or to allow love to be given or received.  It was easier and safer to protect myself than to be hurt by allowing someone into my heart.  So it went on like this for over 30+ years.  I was living my life, but in a very closed way.  I was quick to have anger, which I directed inward.  I had cycles of good days followed by many fraught with anxiety and depression.  I worked hard at keeping all of this bottled up inside of me.  I tried desperately to “protect” my wife and kids from all of this, but they suffered from the side effects despite my best intentions.

 

All of my thoughts around not being acknowledged, respected, smart, good enough, you name it; all came down to feeling or thinking that I am not important; not to life, family, friends, employers, or neighbors. If I were to cease to exist in this very moment, the overall rhythm of life would only experience a very small, mostly unnoticeable bump in the road.  This feeling was pervasive in my life making me feel very lonely, depressed and angry.  After the weekend workshop I made a promise to myself that I would start again with my own healing practices and I made an appointment with my coach the following week for a breathwork session.

 

When I went into my Breathwork session with Deanna (my coach), I really didn’t know what I was going to focus on. We started out by talking for at least an hour about what I was dealing with lately, I talked about my desire to be heard by others, feelings of being disrespected, and having no path for the future. Since I didn’t feel at the time that I had anything specific to breathe on, I decided to choose my primary negative belief (or primary personal lie), as this seemed like as good as anything else.

 

The breathing was done the same way we had at the retreat I attended. My mouth was more open, and with a relaxed jaw and with a fuller breath.  I began to breath in the specific cyclical pattern for Rebirthing Breathwork, having no pause at the bottom or top of the breath.  This makes your breathing a bit faster than normal.  My breathing seemed unremarkable as my mind flitted from one topic to another. As I saw each thought come up in my mind, I would just release it using the rhythm of the breath. This process went on for some time until I could feel “the flip” happen.  The “flip” is that moment where you move from consciously breathing, to a more automatic rhythm and your body takes over breathing.  My breathing became faster yet and my body started to cramp a bit, and my jaw and hands got stiff, which is normal in this process. Deanna was there to keep me on track, telling me to relax my jaw and open my mouth more, and to breathe through the cramping. I’ve definitely been in worse shape for cramping when I first did this technique, but I’ve since learned to recognize and release that tension.

 

At some point I relaxed more and I could feel my whole body, or what felt like an energetic representation of my body, began to rise up off/out from my physical body.  The sensation was similar to a heavy vibration that encompassed my whole body.  As the vibration lifted, I could feel my physical body become more still and relaxed.  Somehow I knew I needed to release this “representation” of myself, so I really amped up my breathing even more.

 

At times I became distracted by visions or dreams and my breathing would slow down. When this happened, the energetic “self” started to descend back into me. Deanna would coach me to focus and get on track again which would push the energy further and further out. Finally I felt that the release or separation was far enough away that it could no longer come back unless I willed it to. In those final moments my breath pushed it far enough away and I could feel it disconnect and vanish!

 

As I came out of a sort of trance I was in, we began to talk about the experience I had where I described each detail as I’ve written here. Deanna shared with me how she also could sense the release I was describing. Now that I’m writing this and processing more, I now know that the release was a sort of shield or armor. I had no idea what it was at the time, I just knew it needed to go.

 

At this point I felt like I was done and the session felt complete as I was relaxing on the table. Deanna was telling me how I had done well. Then, what felt like words from another source or dimension , Deanna said, “You are so important Dwight.” At this moment time stopped, and I could feel this transfer or a gift of love energy enter into my body and spirit. I felt shocked and very surprised by the feeling. It was like something I’d never felt or experienced before. I can only describe it as being very thirsty and you take that first mouthful of cool water and you feel it wash over your throat, chest and finally your whole body. In that moment, my breath caught in my throat and I felt a sense of laughter or joy that came out of me. It was just a moment, because directly afterward came a huge cascading feeling of a perfect mix of pure joy and sorrow flooding my whole body.  In those few moments, I felt like for the first time I had allowed myself to feel love, to feel my amazing importance, and it was so powerful I didn’t know what to do with it.  I was sad that I’ve been without this miracle in my life. I could feel the pain and sorrow releasing and joy receiving. The sorrow was from knowing that I’d starved myself from feeling love. My body and spirit were, what I can only describe as, being released from a concentration camp, a starved, emaciated skeleton of a person walking out of the wire gates of the prison. This flood of emotions manifested in my body by letting loose with sobbing, short breaths and a sense of fear of the letting go. My voice came with the sobs in short bursts as I fought the release, but Deanna coached me to let go and breathe!  At that moment I had to decide.  Was I going to trust that I was safe by letting go?  Was Deanna safe to do this with?  What would happen to me if I let go? Would I be able to come back or would I be lost in the emotion of this?  In that split second of thought, I decided it no longer served me to keep holding on.  I needed desperately to grow and to release the pain, and this was the moment.  I trusted Deanna and I trusted this process.  The breathing allowed me to let go of the last blocks, and to even sob harder than I can ever remember before in my life. I had no idea that all of this wastrapped inside of me.

 

As the exchange of released emotion and the taking in of love happened, I simply surrendered to it all. Deanna coached me along and I remember having my left hand over my eyes and forehead. I could feel the tears and sweat all over my face. My right hand was on my heart and I could feel Deanna’s hands on me. I reached for her hand and held on, feeling the connection to Earth and to humanity through her. I could hear her repeating the phrase, “You are so important Dwight.”, over and over in low soft tones. I remember my breath flowing and all of the tightness in my chest releasing more and more. It’s so very hard to explain in words the release of the pain and emotions.  It’s hard to describe the thirst I felt for allowing myself to feel love.  It’s hard allow myself to feel this vulnerable with anyone.  What would they think of me now after seeing me completely lose it?  Would I appear to be weak, not a man, not more in control of my life?  I believe many of us feel this way when faced with letting go of emotions and the possibility of being embarrassed or even ridiculed for doing just that.

 

I began to calm and felt the wave ending. I relaxed and wiped my face and blew my nose. As I laid there, I felt an amazing peace in and around me. We talked a bit and about the experience and I tried to express what I felt, but mostly I was quiet. Then Deanna started to say the mantra again and again, “You are so important Dwight.”, in continued low and soft tones. Thinking that I was done with the session was silly because the whole thing just cut loose again! I could feel that there was more that needed to be released and my body knew it, and apparently so did Deanna. This cycle was shorter but even more intense than before. For the first time in my life, I can actually say that I not only sobbed, but I wailed with sorrow and joy. I used my voice to transmute that feeling and energy. This final wave subsided after a time andI was finally done. I lay there completely spent.

 

It’s very hard to describe my session in words. The big releases that I had were nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I know that I’ve never in my life allowed myself to be so raw, to be so vulnerable to the feelings I was having in those moments.  I only know that this was a life changing moment for me.  I had made a big step toward my own personal freedom.  I’d allowed myself to feel love and know that I needed and wanted this to be more prevalent in my life.  This is a huge thing for me because I’ve found the concept of love to be somewhat of a mystery. It’s not a that I didn’t understand it at all, I just never really “felt” love to any huge degree from what I remember. I knew enough of love, to realize that I was missing something.

 

In the moments and minutes that followed, I did some more processing with Deanna, drank water and talked. I found it difficult to move my body.  I felt like I was trying to force my very essence back into my physical body.  It was hard to coordinate my muscles to even move me out of the room and the building out to my car. Since I’d had some experience with doing this in the past, I knew I needed to be extra careful as I drove home. Breathwork like other types of healing practices can cause you to be in an altered state and even feel as though you are “out of body” at times. It’s important to spend time re-integrating, and a good way to do this is by drinking water and eating a small amount of food. Dark chocolate is one of the recommended foods to eat, but anything that is organic and unprocessed.

 

I know this is not the end. I know there is more, but for now I’m in a really good place. I feel blessed and loved. I’m ready now to move forward into the days to come full of love!

 

– Dwight Jon Raatz, 10/11/2017

 

(Edited 11/21/2017)

Love is in the Relationship Dance

The More

I recently read the book, “The Shack” by William P. Young a couple of the concepts presented in this book were Relationships and Expectancy.  The first talks about how God is a verb that she is constantly showing love through action and in the service of others through relationships.  The later is about how expectancy is dynamic and undefined as opposed to expectation which is a fixed “law” or absolute.  Both of these concepts have a theme around movement and not static rules.  It is in this concept of movement that I am currently pondering.

I’ve thought a lot about my relationship with God over the years and in the beginning (mine not hers), I was just trying to understand what the Church was trying to teach me about what my relationship with God was supposed to be like.  While I thought I understood that love was supposed to be unconditional and forgiving, I was confused as to why God wouldn’t accept me if I messed up.  The idea that a set of rules He gave us were absolute and unforgivable didn’t coincide with what my belief of what love was.  Even if you added in that Jesus basically dismissed having to follow these rules, you still needed to accept Jesus as your “lord and savior” to be saved and allowed to spend eternity with God.  This is still an absolute non-dynamic rule and not much of a true loving relationship.

I was always afraid of screwing up and making God mad.  Now as I’m older and nearly 40 years later, I understand my confusion as a child was completely misleading.  I now know that I am acceptable to God or The Universe no matter what.  As a matter of my belief, I don’t even believe that The Universe needs to accept me at all or even needs this as a requirement.  I don’t believe there are any requirements.  I am part of It and It is part of me. The Universe, as I see it, is completely neutral toward me because it equally an fully Loves ALL parts of itself completely and fully.  If I were to apply the “rules” of the bible toward my belief then that would mean that The Universe would have to find some part of its own self unacceptable, which is just not possible.

What I see now as I expand forth into my days, is that my true impact and legacy will be in the relationships that I form with any and all people in my life.  It’s not about worship or supplication to a god, but rather in how I treat my neighbors, my friends, family and equally as important – in how I treat strangers.  It’s the time I take to slow down and be present with them that will ultimately change the world around me.  I know now that it matters not if I claim any flavor of religion or spirituality .  It is in the relationships I build and care for that I truly show my immense capacity for love.

This Great Flow of Life in all its infinite variations continues to persist with the ultimate goal and outcomes of growth and experience.  Tragedy happens and sometimes it’s all so unbearable, but the trend and effect always moves toward learning growth.  As I look back at my life and events up to now, I see the difficult times and the joy together and not as opposites.  I see the Great Dance of my life as it manifests toward grace and love.  I cannot deny this no matter what happens.

I was watching the beginning of the Presidential Inauguration today and was listening to the invocation and the above concepts again came to mind.  The speaker was recounting some of the struggles and trials we’ve been through as a nation and world.  This reminded me of the persistence of life even though in the moment things can seem so dire and out of control.  If you know anything about history, each period has been full of these same sorts of feelings and events from the beginning.  Death, destruction, war, poverty, inequality, natural disasters, world calamities, etc.  These things feel this way right here and now, but the real truth is that even though they are present, they are really a small part of all of the massive amount of good that is happening in the world.  Really, if you think about it for a moment, there are approximately 7 billion people on the planet and how many of those people are really fighting in actual combat or killing one another in cities and towns around the world?  The number is but a tiny fraction of the total yet we perceive that at any moment we will all die or be affected by a great global or local calamity.  The perception is what controls us and is totally false.  This perception is what “those in power” want us to believe such that a form a control can be established.  The spread of fear is by far the most effective means to control a massive amount of people with very little effort.

I’m reminded of a story I read about how they train elephants and control them.  They start out by chaining their leg with a manacle and have it staked to the ground so they can’t escape.  Slowly over time the size of the chain and manacle is reduced until finally the elephant has only a simple flimsy rope tied to its leg.  Even though the elephant could easily break the rope and walk away, they don’t because the perceive they are still chained by the same force as it was before.  This same kind of concept is being done to us each and every day through how things are reported to us by the mass media.  Any event that happens in the world whether it be a bombing in a far away country or a shooting at an elementary school, it brought directly to us live and constantly for hours.  The individual tragedy is the manacle and chain and the constant repeating of the event is the small rope that binds us with fear to live life.

We are so constantly afraid of what might happen or who will be offended that we stop living a joyful life.  We are “trained” by advertising, reality shows and the news to be afraid of other countries, our neighbors and most of all ourselves.  We are trained to rely on others for approval and to be told what is acceptable.  We judge ourselves and others against this false ideal that can be broken and walked away from at any time.

What I challenge yourself to do is to see the truth of life around you.  See how much of life really flows and creates with little or no effort by you.  Look around and see how people in your community and in the places you travel treat each other.  I think if you started keeping score of all the “good” things you see and the creation that happens, you will find that a vast majority of life is positive and full of grace.  You will see that with tragedy comes understanding, outreach, cooperation, growth and rebuilding.  Sometimes the time between these things is very long, but ultimately they end with us growing as human beings, even if the growth is perceptibly small at times.

I believe that this ebb and flow of life is a grand dance in an ever changing relationship of people and the planet. I believe that the persistence and inclination of life is Love itself and this relationship is the Grand Design of The Universe that requires nothing from us.

– Dwight Raatz

Accepting My Anxiety

I recently recorded a voice note to myself that was about how I’m coming to realize how I’ve “overcome” my anxiety.  I spent so many years trying to “get rid of it” or push it away or deny it.  What I’ve finally realized is that the anxiety was ME.  It was a part of me that I was trying to remove or feel ashamed of.  I was denying myself and this is why it would never stay away very long.  It kept coming back to tell me, “I am afraid, I don’t know what to do, I’m lonely, help me”.  This awareness of it being me was the turning point for me.  Through a couple different sessions with others (I think they used NLP as a tool, but I’m not sure), I was able to identify two critical points of time in my life and recognize the fear and shame I had for myself as a young boy and later as a young man.  My “current self” became the counselor to my younger self.  The main ingredients to the resolution of this fear is LOVE, Awareness and Forgiveness.  I gave these gifts to my younger selves and that was the final straw that made my house of fear and anxiety come crashing down.  It’s now up to me to continue to recognize these events as they happen and to know that I am a good person and lovable.

Dwight Raatz

The Greener Grass

Part of my struggles with anxiety and depression stems from the feeling that I’m a victim of my environment or “someone else”.  I often think during one of my “thought battles” that I wouldn’t be this way if only “someone” would truly understand what’s happening and could give me the magic antidote to make it all go away.  If only I had a better paying job, if only I could get my business off the ground, if only clients would see the value of my services and flock to my door, if only “that person” would have told me the whole truth, I wouldn’t be in this situation, if only… if only I could get to the greener grass.  Being the victim is certainly a safe place to be.  This absolves me of all responsibility to own how I am reacting to the challenges before me.  It’s not my fault for feeling this way… or is it?

I find myself challenged with a situation or possibly something someone has said to me in an off-hand comment, and that’s all my ego needs to dig in and drag me into the personal hell that is custom built for me.  Mind you, I don’t go down kicking and screaming.  Nope, I go quite willingly and along the way I’m doing whatever I can to please my ego, to make sure it finds favor in me.  After all, my ego is my best friend right?  It knows all the horrible things that people have done to me over the years.  It knows exactly how to console me and give me all the empathy I want.  Ego understands how to support me and give me a safe place to curl up and be protected from all the evil in the outside world.  Why would I ever want to leave this place?  Well there is something missing here, but I’m not sure what it is yet.  I am tired of feeling the way I am and ego has told me that if I just sink lower into my hell, I won’t FEEL anything anymore.  Isn’t that what you really want?  You want it to all be over – to end.  But yet… what is it that I feel is missing… what?

What I didn’t see on the way to my hell is a small Light that has tagged along with me.  This Light has very deftly dodged detection of ego.  It was just on the other side of me always hovering next to me, but just out of sight.  Each time ego would look away or get distracted thinking about how powerful it feels, the Light would sneak up to my ear and whisper, “you are perfect”, “you are loved”, “so many people you don’t even know love you”, “you are inspiring to many”, “you make a difference each day”, “the world is a better place with you here”, “your family depends on you”, “give it another shot my friend”, “you have power to change the world”… On and on this Light would zoom up and whisper to me, then dart away just in time not to be detected.

On the way down to my hell, the darkness would surround my eyesight only giving me a very small bit of tunnel vision to see.  The darkness blocks out all my hope and only allows me to focus on my fear all the while making me think I was safe in my despair.  But each time the Light would whisper I would see a brief flash, a glimpse of a wider, clearer vision with an undeniable truth behind what it was telling me.  Each time I would be reminded of how much I am loved by my family, by my friends.  With each flash I would raise my head up and look for the next one.  Slowly I feel something stirring inside my chest, it’s warm and open like the blue sky on a hot summer day.  Is this hope I am feeling?

Then ego starts to get suspicious.  It wonders why I’m being so active, why am I looking around, why am I seeing things it can’t see.  It goes into action quickly, reminding me again and again why I am there, after all it’s done for me to keep me safe and away from the pain of the world.  But it’s too late at that point.  The Light has now taken hold of my attention now and I find myself breathing deep.  I find myself feeling the Love that was always there.  I FEEL!

Now the Light doesn’t have to be so crafty.  The Light has now grown in size and brightness.  It is showing me the way out of hell and giving me all the strength I need to lift myself up, to smile and laugh and know that I have won another battle and I have come out even stronger than before.  I have even picked up some more gifts along my journey in the form of wisdom.  I am even better prepared for the next time ego finds a foothold in my thoughts and wants to be “friends” with me.  My vision to see the deception of ego is stronger than ever.

So what’s the point?  Ego and fear will always be there in the darkness looking for a way to grab hold of any weakness it sees.  The ego is the great illusionist, the pimp feeding my addiction to fear.  Fear is the evil we all experience in our own personal hell, but the reality of it all is that it really has no power over the Light.  It will lie and tell you it has power, and you might even believe it for awhile, but ultimately it can not sustain the illusion.  The Light is powerful, it will never leave us no matter what.  The darkness will leave you in an instant if you only tell it to in the name of the Light.

When you find yourself walking back down the path to your hell, always remember that the Light is still there with you.  The Light will always bring you home – there is no other possibility.  Be on the lookout for the flashing reminders and take heed that the Light is there for you.  You only need to notice.

Dwight Raatz

A Letter to Charlotte

As I am wading through my historical writings, I came across this letter I wrote to a friend of mine who is also an intuitive communicator who has some very extraordinary gifts.  She has given me many insights into not only my personal past and life path, but also of those earthly and spiritual guides that are with me every day.  The names in this letter have been changed to protect their privacy. BTW, I never sent this letter… 😉

08/09/2009

———————
Charlotte,

This letter has been swimming around in my mind for quite some time now. I realized that my initial idea of you was not correct.  After reading Michael’s book that told of your extraordinary gifts, my imagination had this idea or hope that you had some kind of super power; that you could reach inside me and pull out all the fear, doubt and anxiety.  My mind had this hope that I could somehow make you understand what was happening inside me and you would be able to make it all right again (or at least make it right for once).

I now know that I have misled myself in this fantasy of what I perceived to be you.  Over time, more recently than in the beginning, I have realized that you are an interpreter of what others can’t see for themselves.  I know now that I am the only one that can make me whole and happy.  As much as I was hoping that you had some kind of “magic” that would fix me, that just isn’t going to happen.

I have reached out to you many times and given you my sad stories and poor me I’m helpless anecdotes, only to have you turn around and give me a healthy dose of reality and perspective.  These had at times made me very angry at you and thoughts of betrayal of our friendship.  I know now that this is exactly what I needed and how fortunate I am to have such a strong force in my life.  Please don’t misinterpret this letter to mean anything but a realization of myself.  I have been honored and blessed to have you in my life.

I have tried many things as a remedy for my issues.   I have spoken to a therapist, taken anti-anxiety medication, worked with you and other coaches, but nothing has lasted.  I know part of my issues are related to my internal chemistry which the anti-anxiety meds do help, but these are only a mask or a dampening field of sorts.  The mastery of my long term happiness lies within me and my own mind.  I need to journey to that world that is within me and conquer these demons, these doubts and fears.

I feel as if I have made huge leaps to resolve my issues only to be dashed on the rocks by my mind.  The doubts rise up like a huge water beast lashing and laughing at me from the depths of my mind.  I flow through life in a torrent of fear and anger and nothing abates this within me.  The eddies and currents pull and push me at their will.  The feeling is utterly hopeless and no control is there.  I reach out for a strong hold only to have the temporary grasp slip away with me screaming into the darkness.  Why does this elude me, how can I grab hold and pull myself up onto dry land with a footing that is true and steadfast?  I long for peace and quiet within.

My mind wanders to death and my perception of how this will free me from this torturous life I have.  I think at times that this is the easy way out and how much of a coward I would be to go this route.  I long for this peace and wish and hope for it every day.  I know that I have been kept alive for a reason, and I just can’t believe that it’s to endure this kind of existence.  What good is it to experience this for my soul’s journey?  Why do I need to lead this life of pain and anxiety?  Why can’t I live each day with peace and joy in my heart and mind?

Some say that I need to give my heart and mind over to Jesus and he will take on my burdens.  This seems nice, and I’ve tried this too, but nothing takes away this internal nightmare that is mine.

I have even tried drugs in my youth as a remedy for this mess, but found no enduring solace with them.  My compass guides me away from these jesters, these rose colored glasses.  I don’t know why I can’t hide behind them like others do every day.  Why can’t I spend my hours and days drinking or shooting some kind of chemical into my system to find that peace?

The funny thing is about this life of mine, is that despite my struggles and pain, I have surrounded myself with family and friends that care; as well as a safe home and moderate income.  By all accounts from the outside, I have been successful in life.  I know, deep inside that by removing this roadblock of anxiety, I could be so much more powerful in my life and be such a huge help to others beyond measure.  I feel as if the force inside me has been restrained by these huge wood and metal doors.  This force has been slamming its body against these doors for millennia on end; trying to be free, trying to evolve my soul and become the power that this universe needs.

I want to transform.  I want to turn out of my cocoon and spread my strong powerful delicate wings to soar.  I will never be able to be at peace unless I transform.  I need to peel away my old shell, my old skin and become anew.

Transformation:  To never more be what I am.  To start anew with new possibilities

What is me?

  • Doubt
  • Fear
  • Sexual desire
  • Anxiety
  • Low or no self esteem
  • No gravity
  • No stronghold
  • No direction
  • People reaching – calling – helping
  • I’m not good enough
  • What I do is not good enough
  • No peace
  • Great love

Dwight Raatz