Ironing the Dish Towels

A friend of my suggested that I write more about my own experiences with depression and anxiety in my life and how I’ve dealt with it.I’ve hesitated for quite some time to look back at this state of being mostly because, well, writing about depression can be… depressing.But I’ve decided that perhaps some of what I can share might help someone else step out of that space and move onto actually feeling in control.So, with that here it goes…

As I’ve said before, I am not a doctor of any kind and have no formal education around psychology or psychiatry.I am however, an expert witness of anxiety and depression from my own personal struggles and triumphs.I’m not going to be so bold as to tell you that what I’ve done will work for you.But what I do know is the fact that you are reading this and if you have struggles with anxiety and/or depression, you have come a long way to making a permanent change in your life for the better.If you know of someone who struggles from these issues, I hope that this can give you some ideas on what you can do to help them.Just remember – you do have the strength to last another day.

I’ve written at length before in my blog post “Understanding my Depression” about how anxiety and depression started in my life, so I’m not going to cover that here.What I’d like to talk about now is some revelations on not only how I combat it, but how I see other people deal with it (even if they don’t realize that’s what they are doing).

I see anxiety and depression (AD) now as being very similar to constipation.AD is a blockage in my system that creates a downward spiraling, self fulfilling outcome of more AD.Just as your bowels can be constipated in the lower/large intestine and can cause a backup in the rest of your system so it is with AD.The very first and most basic step in combating AD is to create movement in your life.Movement can include a variety of things like physical, environmental, sensory, etc.You need to take one step, then another and another.If you feel so overwhelmed with your circumstances and have a storm of immobilizingthoughts causing you to freeze, say to yourself, “Excuse me – I’m going to interrupt you right here.” and then take a walk.Change your environment in some way.Walk around your room to start with and be sure to look at every part of your room.Look at everything and think about each thing you see, identify it, remember where it came from and think about what you can do with it, then move onto the next item and the next.

The next most important thing to remember is to breath!This seems simple right?Well most people do not breath properly.You need to take deep cleansing breaths.Breath in through your nose way down into your belly.Breath until you can’t suck in another morsel of air and then hold it for a few seconds, then let the air out slowly through your mouth.Once all the air is out, hold that position for a few seconds before taking the next breath.Do this process at least three times slowly and you will feel a burst of energy and be very much more connected to your body.

Anxiety and depression (AD) is constipated energy in our body and we can remove this blockage by breathing and movement.I also consider these actions to be a distraction from what we are lamenting over at any given AD moment.It is this art of distraction that will set you on a path of moving out of the AD state.It has also been proven that by getting more exercise, we increase a naturally occurring chemical in our system called serotonin.Serotonin has been linked to helping many people with AD moods.

I’ve often wondered what people did in the “old days” before medication or even knowing what AD was in order to deal with these feelings.In watching people and some of the older generations, they seemed to deal with hard times by keeping themselves busy.This “busy action” is the distraction that would pass the time and also make them feel good about accomplishing something worthwhile.I would often shake my head as I watched my mom ironing the dish towels, underwear and bed sheets wondering why did she do this?I know that culturally this was sometimes an expectation of the dutiful wife, but I also think it became a sort of mundane task therapy.It was a way to have time to herself and to be distracted from some of the stresses of life.

The real lesson here is give the mind something different to focus on rather than whatever issue caused you to slip into that state of anxious uncontrollability.This movement is a rhythm that brings you into a state of harmonics with the universe around you.This brings peace and creates a space for you to untangle webs that clog your mind.

Dwight Raatz

Who Are You Really?

Throughout my spiritual journey as a seeker of truth and enlightenment, I have often been told that I am not showing my true self to the world. I’ve been told that I am hiding “Who I Really Am” because of my fears of letting out this truth. While I do not argue with this assessment, my challenge and struggle has been to know who I really am so I can let “him” out. I understand that I have many fears in life, but what am I afraid of letting out? It seems to me that the first step in solving any problem is to understand the problem to its fullest extent. I need to know who I am before I can understand my fears of “letting him out”. Then I will have something to hold onto, a direction to go in, a goal to achieve.

As I consider this challenge of discovery I have come across a few tidbits of truth and consistencies. I have found that the answers to my questions have revealed themselves in the quiet moments in life. The quiet moments are those moments when time seems to stand still for you. You “accidentally” intersect with the exact combination of events that lead you to a moment of perfection. You know what I’m talking about. You might think that its never happened, but I know it has for you too. For example: you are busy walking from your car to a client meeting and it just so happens that it’s a beautiful warm and calm summer day. As you are walking you just happen to hear a bird singing joyfully on a tree branch hear by. You stop for a moment and look up at the bird, you feel peaceful, you feel the warm sun on your face, the thoughts of your meeting are on pause for a moment, you feel connected to yourself and the earth around you. In that moment of perfection you are just “being”, even if it was for only a few seconds. It’s important that after those moments of perfection, you store that feeling of peace inside your heart. It’s like recharging your battery.

As I consider these moments of perfection I have had throughout my life, I know that these have been the sneak previews of who I really am. The times when thoughts and story just seem to run out of my fingers through the pen onto paper or keyboard and screen. The times when I am speaking to a friend about life and from out of nowhere these words come to mind that are just perfect for them at that moment. Or, even the times when I hold my grandson in my arms and know the unconditional love I have for him and he has for me. These moments of perfection show me the peace that is possible in my life.

As I wrote in my previous posting (Noticing), I am becoming more aware of the “bold print” of my life. I am noticing more and more moments of perfection and learning who I really am. I am Compassion – I am a Divine Messenger – I am a Teacher – I am a Healer – I am Love. I look at these aspects of myself and wonder how I can Be this at all times. How can I share this Being with the world and have it understand me? How can I Be these things and still function “normally” in today’s world? This is my next hurdle.

So, Who Are You… Really?

Dwight Raatz

A Letter to Charlotte

As I am wading through my historical writings, I came across this letter I wrote to a friend of mine who is also an intuitive communicator who has some very extraordinary gifts.  She has given me many insights into not only my personal past and life path, but also of those earthly and spiritual guides that are with me every day.  The names in this letter have been changed to protect their privacy. BTW, I never sent this letter… 😉

08/09/2009

———————
Charlotte,

This letter has been swimming around in my mind for quite some time now. I realized that my initial idea of you was not correct.  After reading Michael’s book that told of your extraordinary gifts, my imagination had this idea or hope that you had some kind of super power; that you could reach inside me and pull out all the fear, doubt and anxiety.  My mind had this hope that I could somehow make you understand what was happening inside me and you would be able to make it all right again (or at least make it right for once).

I now know that I have misled myself in this fantasy of what I perceived to be you.  Over time, more recently than in the beginning, I have realized that you are an interpreter of what others can’t see for themselves.  I know now that I am the only one that can make me whole and happy.  As much as I was hoping that you had some kind of “magic” that would fix me, that just isn’t going to happen.

I have reached out to you many times and given you my sad stories and poor me I’m helpless anecdotes, only to have you turn around and give me a healthy dose of reality and perspective.  These had at times made me very angry at you and thoughts of betrayal of our friendship.  I know now that this is exactly what I needed and how fortunate I am to have such a strong force in my life.  Please don’t misinterpret this letter to mean anything but a realization of myself.  I have been honored and blessed to have you in my life.

I have tried many things as a remedy for my issues.   I have spoken to a therapist, taken anti-anxiety medication, worked with you and other coaches, but nothing has lasted.  I know part of my issues are related to my internal chemistry which the anti-anxiety meds do help, but these are only a mask or a dampening field of sorts.  The mastery of my long term happiness lies within me and my own mind.  I need to journey to that world that is within me and conquer these demons, these doubts and fears.

I feel as if I have made huge leaps to resolve my issues only to be dashed on the rocks by my mind.  The doubts rise up like a huge water beast lashing and laughing at me from the depths of my mind.  I flow through life in a torrent of fear and anger and nothing abates this within me.  The eddies and currents pull and push me at their will.  The feeling is utterly hopeless and no control is there.  I reach out for a strong hold only to have the temporary grasp slip away with me screaming into the darkness.  Why does this elude me, how can I grab hold and pull myself up onto dry land with a footing that is true and steadfast?  I long for peace and quiet within.

My mind wanders to death and my perception of how this will free me from this torturous life I have.  I think at times that this is the easy way out and how much of a coward I would be to go this route.  I long for this peace and wish and hope for it every day.  I know that I have been kept alive for a reason, and I just can’t believe that it’s to endure this kind of existence.  What good is it to experience this for my soul’s journey?  Why do I need to lead this life of pain and anxiety?  Why can’t I live each day with peace and joy in my heart and mind?

Some say that I need to give my heart and mind over to Jesus and he will take on my burdens.  This seems nice, and I’ve tried this too, but nothing takes away this internal nightmare that is mine.

I have even tried drugs in my youth as a remedy for this mess, but found no enduring solace with them.  My compass guides me away from these jesters, these rose colored glasses.  I don’t know why I can’t hide behind them like others do every day.  Why can’t I spend my hours and days drinking or shooting some kind of chemical into my system to find that peace?

The funny thing is about this life of mine, is that despite my struggles and pain, I have surrounded myself with family and friends that care; as well as a safe home and moderate income.  By all accounts from the outside, I have been successful in life.  I know, deep inside that by removing this roadblock of anxiety, I could be so much more powerful in my life and be such a huge help to others beyond measure.  I feel as if the force inside me has been restrained by these huge wood and metal doors.  This force has been slamming its body against these doors for millennia on end; trying to be free, trying to evolve my soul and become the power that this universe needs.

I want to transform.  I want to turn out of my cocoon and spread my strong powerful delicate wings to soar.  I will never be able to be at peace unless I transform.  I need to peel away my old shell, my old skin and become anew.

Transformation:  To never more be what I am.  To start anew with new possibilities

What is me?

  • Doubt
  • Fear
  • Sexual desire
  • Anxiety
  • Low or no self esteem
  • No gravity
  • No stronghold
  • No direction
  • People reaching – calling – helping
  • I’m not good enough
  • What I do is not good enough
  • No peace
  • Great love

Dwight Raatz